Le monde du vieux bandit

I feel myself getting older these days. It’s not related to my birthday and it’s not a bad thing in and of itself, but it requires quite an adaptation, which of course I’m not quite ready for (I can and do adapt but I resist first…). It’s a feeling I get when I realize a large part of society wants to move in directions that are just mind boggling to me, and further realize that I can’t change their mind and really, it’ll be better for me to quiet down and ignore it rather than rant and rant and… nothing (because nothing’ll be the net result!). I get the same feeling when I see these “what not to do on FB/Twitter/whatever” lists people make, broadcast and forward. Like I’m over some sort of threshold that makes me shrug and think (not so much think as deeply feel) live and let live, people! (And yet for some things I can be a stickler (namely, language and its use)… so I guess my process is ongoing.)

I guess even though I feel it as “getting older” it has more to do with being removed from situations and knowing it (and perhaps seeing others don’t quite realize it), being me and not you or them and yet knwoing that each me has its own reality. What makes me think it’s age-related is that I feel like an elder tsk-tsking in the background, shaking my head quietly (I’m hoping to add a gentle smile to that image shortly) at other humans (I’m tempted to call them younger, but here age has no relevance) who don’t quite seem to realize they don’t know more than other humans in the same situation, who think that for the sake of ranting and being funny they can pretend and seem like (and perhaps believe) they have the answers that everybody else should have (I’ve been and still am guilty of that too, so I’m not really looking down on anyone here!), not realizing or perhaps not taking the time to think that another’s answer will be just as valid. (In a related vein, I’m also fed up with pseudo-intellectual humour that consists of name dropping and irony/sarcasm to belittle people or things that can’t/won’t answer in the same way — bottom line, that’s petty and easy, even if it makes for pretty magazines. We’re not growing or learning from it, we’re just gazing at our navel and finding it amazing. Huh.)
The older I get, the clearer it is to me just how much I don’t know (moving to the country helps in that regard, as you quietly and suddenly realize you. know. nothing.). It’s also obvious that I’m not so unique that *I* have the answers (yet I have plenty) or am living something no one else has experienced (I’ll be blunt here: you’re not that unique either. Even if you’re living through hell, others have been through it before, and you can get out too; please ask around instead of wallowing in your misery). I’m losing patience with those who are full enough of themselves (perhaps to hide their personal void and fears, I don’t know!) that they think it’s okay to claim to *know* or to tell others “how this should work” (where “this” can be anything, from Twitter to space travel). My losing patience is in itself an admission of guilt and a sign that the process is in full force (and I’m hoping to find peace of mind at the end, so it’s a tall order). The trap lies in my first reaction, which is often along the (very mature) lines of fuck you all (not quite a Tweet I should write, I know that much!). It doesn’t help me one bit, since one trend I notice is running to what’s most superficial, and a blunt reaction like mine is just that — or seems to be (whereas of course this being *my* fuck you all, I could discourse for hours on how deep and profoundly felt it is!). I need to learn to shrug… and mean it. (I’m aware of how this closely resembles the christian “grant me the strength to accept what I cannot change”, but that’s almost okay — I don’t refuse religion for its morals and principles, but for what it is and represents. And I’m not sure I want to accept it so much as learn to live with it constructively.)

What an unclear post on a semi-abandoned blog, huh? Well, it’s all about the process, and I’m going through the first steps. Hopefully thinks will soon be less fuzzy and I can articulate better where this is leading me and how. Meanwhile, I’m going to start to let go of shit. Perhaps one occurrence a day? That’d be a good start.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 21st, 2009 at 2:05 pm and is filed under moi, * in english. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.