Lesson
I hadn’t felt like this in years. The realization of the fact that I had made such a huge mistake was like a blast shower of cold steam, and I still feel nauseous. The wheels are turning, however. The last time my blog fudged up my life, I thought I was right and everybody was overreacting. This time, no. This time (and I think I had to make this mistake because obviously I have failed to learn what I had to a few years ago, a nice chance stupidly/pridefully wasted), I’m learning humility. Oh, I am extremely humble about some things. But it took this to realize how freaking’ self-righteous and judgemental I can be. (We can all, I know - but I had never realized how poisonous that was in my life.) It’s very easy: take your point of view, blow it up many many times, and take that as the basis for Truth. Then take no time to think about how others may feel or what may motivate their actions. Don’t even be fair. It’s easy. And very destructive (not to mention incredibly stupid). When I think about it, we all do it to some extent. It’s no excuse. It’s the easy it’s-all-about-meeee option that requires little thought and little caring.
I feel cheap and not even evil - mostly very dumb (and hurtful - not a word I ever wanted applied to me, but let’s face it). Frankly, if I needed to learn all this (I did), I wish it could have been in the quiet of my brain and not have to hurt anyone. Through many fucked-up early experiences, I have developed various coping strategies, but some have skidded off track and some are simply the wrong choice for me now. I need to adapt. It seemed all nice and fine to channel irrational rage in private (but bleeping hell, keep that completely entirely private), it evacuated the rage (usually something from within and only very partially caused by any external event). What I never attacked was the rage itself. It has been my motor. Now I’m questioning whether that was true or just a lie I used to keep myself going. In truth, rage is not my motor anymore. Perhaps more of a habit that anything. Well, no. Some of it comes from old wounds. But the surface is habit, like taking a hit every once in a while. And I also tend to transfer the rage to others in my mind. I have been taking shortcuts and getting pus out without wondering where the infection comes from (why ask myself what is really bothering me when I can take a tiny pin-head sized thing I may not entirely agree with and turn it into a story about how someone else is a monster? Sure beats seeing the monster in the mirror!).
I’m not saying I’m a monster (I just do a good impression of one…). I’m saying that I have been less than aware about some stains on my ongoing record, that I have tricked myself into not seeing that there were issues where I was not meeting my admittedly high expectations of myself (and, I realize now, not even ordinary, living-in-society expectations). It’s as if I’ve been made to see a huge blind spot I’d had for years. (Again, I really wish nobody had been hurt for this realization to occur.) I’m not running away from being guilty this time. I hate this guilt, but it is mine and I will feel every millimetre (or is it milliliter? is guilt a liquid? from here it feels more like a suffocating gas) of it, I will explore it and experience it and come out better for it (otherwise I’m only accepting to be this thoughtless hurtful person I am not and do not want to be). That old saying about what you hate in others is elements of you that you don’t like? Very true. And I’m a little stunned to realize that there has been a whole section of my life that I’ve just let happen - I let that part of me take the easy path and let it go (while maintaining regular checks and adjustments over all the other parts), never checking back on it. Well now I’ve brought it to a full stop. It’ll be led through the woods and will be taken to the path with all other parts of me, and eventually we’ll all make a fresh healthy start together. Something has got to change, because frankly, I never want to do anything this stupid again, I never want to hurt anyone for no reason whatsoever again, and I don’t even want it in me to have that ability! Yes that means flushing out a lot of old grime and useless grudges (some against myself), introspection and effort. I’m glad to do it. (Just very upset that it had to happen this way.) It’ll be an interesting trip - it already is. Strange though it may seem, my tone of voice has already changed. My train of thoughts too. It will be for the best.
(As much as I hate feeling this guilt, I am exploring it. It’s fascinating. Forgiveness and understanding do not atone it. It is linked to the injury, not the later reaction, and since I think that injury and the fault that caused it were bottomless, so is my guilt. It is powerful and destructive (or rather, I feel that it can be - I’m trying to turn it into something positive). I’m getting insights about what lays underneath the surface for, say, my father. It’s not pretty. As long as I see the line, however, I can push against it.)
